On Loss & Hard Things

Adoption is beautiful and wonderful, a picture of hope in a broken world. But it starts with loss. The adopted child, even if he or she is adopted at birth, loses their birth mother and birth family. If the child lives in an orphanage, they lose their relationships with their caretakers there and the other children they've been living with. If adopted internationally, the child loses their birth country and birth culture. Our Brenna will experience all of these losses when we adopt her.

Imagine a young toddler that you know, 1 or 2 years old. She is living in an orphanage, but she's never known any different so she's cool with it. She has a predictable routine and she has attached to her caregivers. The orphanage is "home." And then one day, a strange man and woman show up and take her away from the orphanage. They look different and smell different and feel different than the nannies she is used to. They speak in a language that she's never heard before. They dress in clothes that feel strange and they feed her strange foods. They introduce her to other children, all bigger than her, and they try to play with her. After a few hours or a few days of this, she starts to miss her nannies and her crib and her friends. She doesn't understand who these new people are and why they aren't taking her back to her orphanage. How do you think she feels? Scared, anxious, confused, lonely.

That is adoption from a young child's perspective. Brenna is at a difficult age because she is too young to understand and intellectualize the concept of adoption and that a family is coming for her, but she is old enough to have some long-term memory and she will definitely realize that something very strange is going on and she will miss the only life she has known.

I am trying to have realistic expectations of what meeting Brenna and being in China with her will really be like. I am trying not to romanticize it. But it's hard! It's easier to picture her smiling and leaning into my arms and laying her head down on my chest, snuggling into me, smiling and content; wearing her in the kinderpack, walking down the streets of China with a bounce in my step and the sun shining down on us; playing on the floor with her siblings; laughing at her Daddy's silly faces and tickles.  But she might cry, scream, kick, bite... have you ever seen a 2 year old tantrum? It ain't pretty. She might not sleep. She might not eat well. She might try to crawl/run away for us. She might prefer a stranger's arms to mine (because a young child may think the stranger will take her back to the orphanage). She might absolutely lose it when we put her on an airplane and tighten her seat belt.

I really have no idea how it will go. I am hoping and praying for the best while preparing myself for the worst. The advice I've heard from other adoptive Mamas is to just get through China and get her home. China will be hard. It will all be really, really hard. But also worth it. Brenna is worth it.

Because I Want To

Our adoption of Brenna is moving along and we are on track to bring her home in about 2 months! It is exciting and terrifying at the same time :) Life has gotten in the way of blogging, but I really want to take some time to get my thoughts recorded in these last weeks before we go to China to get Brenna. My goal is to blog at least once a week between now and then. You are welcome to hold me accountable to that!

As Pat and I have been working on applying for grants and fundraisers, one question I’ve been asked to answer frequently is to explain why are we adopting or what has led us to pursue adoption. There are many possible answers to this question, but tonight I am choosing to write my simple answer. Why am I adopting Brenna? Because I want to.

When I was in middle school, a family from our church brought home a baby girl from China. This was my first time seeing international adoption, and the first time I realized that people adopted for reasons other than infertility, as this family already had 5 biological children. It impacted me significantly and I decided then that I wanted a baby girl from China. Fast forward to 2013 when Pat and I were starting the adoption process and I quickly learned that I couldn’t have that little girl from China, because you have to be 30 to adopt from China and I was only 26. If you’ve read the story on this blog you know that we had planned to adopt from Ethiopia, but that didn’t happen. I won’t retell all of that now, but I will say that I struggled briefly with the idea of a Chinese daughter after picturing myself with an Ethiopian daughter for 4 years. And then the Lord reminded me that a little girl from China was my very first wish years and years ago. I had honestly forgotten! Knowing that He planned this for me all along is a sweet reminder of His faithfulness and His goodness to me.

I want to adopt Brenna. I just do. In our pre-adoption training class, I remember the social worker saying that the most successful families adopt for selfish reasons. As a Christian, it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around that statement, because I seek to serve others with my life, not to live for my self. Adopting a special-needs child is going to require me to sacrifice a lot, I know that; the cool thing is that I WANT to do that! I’m not doing it out of a sense of obligation or duty. I’m not doing it because I want people to think I’m a really good person. I want to because I love Brenna...because I want to adopt a little girl from China and she is my girl.

When things get really hard and I’m overwhelmed and exhausted and confused, I hope that I can remember this and find joy in it. Brenna did not grow in my womb, but she grew in my heart. I was an 11 year old girl who dreamed of a baby girl from China and now 20 years later I am about to have that dream come true.

Birthdays

Today is my birthday. I'm 31. It feels a bit anti-climactic after my milestone birthday last year, but still a special day. We got Dunkin Donuts for breakfast and Pat took me out for a nice date while my Mom watch the kids. I went to the Y and enjoyed a long workout while the kids were in childcare. Overall, a really good day.

Brenna's birthday came and went a week ago without any fanfare. She's 2 now. It makes me sad to think that I've missed another milestone in her life. I wonder- do they celebrate birthdays in her orphanage? Did she even know it was a special day for her, as much as a 2 year old can know that? Has she ever tasted cake? or ice cream? Has she seen balloons?

It strikes me that by turning 2, she is no longer an "infant." I'm honestly not sure where she is developmentally because the file we have on her is over a year old and we're still waiting on an update, so perhaps developmentally she is still infant-like in some ways. But chronologically she is now 2. I have missed her entire infancy. And I'm trying to be okay with that. I am a lover of babies, especially fresh ones. I can't get enough of them, and Lord willing, I hope to have at least 1 or 2 more in my future. It was not God's plan for me to have Brenna as an infant, and I take comfort in His sovereignty over my life and hers.

Collin will be 2 in October, so assuming our timeline stays roughly as expected and Brenna comes home in the spring, I will then be raising two 2-year olds. This is no small task and I need to be ready! Instead of spending nine months gestating and preparing my body to give birth, I've made the decision to spend the next nine months until Brenna comes home getting my body and my mind ready to be her Mama. We joined the Y 2 weeks ago and I've gone almost every day.  I need to be strong enough to carry Brenna, as much as a new mother would carry her newborn. I need to have the stamina for the 12-day trip to China and then the endurance to be a mother to 5 children ages 8 and under. I need to be closer than ever to the Lord and to the community of believers He has so graciously surrounded me with to encourage me in this adoption journey.

I'm looking forward to next August and celebrating Brenna turning 3 and being in our family forever. I hope that we're so in love with our new daughter and completely entrenched in becoming a family of 7 that my 32nd birthday feels even more anti-climactic than my 31st birthday has been.

Choosing Down Syndrome Adoption

Brenna, the darling girl we are adopting from China, has Down Syndrome. I knew that she had Down Syndrome when I found her and fell in love with her. Pat and I made an intentional decision to pursue the adoption of a child with Down Syndrome and in this post I attempt to explain why.

But perhaps the simplest answer is WHY NOT?!

An individual with Down Syndrome is indeed created in the image of God just like any other person. Brenna's extra 21st chromosome is no accident. God placed it there in her DNA, on purpose. It is who she is, who He created her to be. She is fearfully and wonderfully made, just as you and I are.

Down Syndrome is not a death sentence, nor a prognosis of a life of suffering. The life expectancy for an individual with Down Syndrome has risen from 23 in the 1980s to 60 currently. Yes, there are lots of health issues associated with Down Syndrome, but the medical community is aware of the risks and able to proactively and effectively monitor them, detect them, and in most cases, treat them. Early intervention and special education services are available in all school districts to help children with Down Syndrome reach their full potential, and there are so many community resources, groups and programs available to adults.

Individuals with Down Syndrome have relationships. They have jobs. They have hobbies. They fall in love. They make and spend money. They play. They worship. They have friends. They have personalities. They have pets. They make a difference in the world. They fulfill their God-given purpose.

We live in an era of medical technology in which pregnant women are encouraged to have prenatal testing to identify birth defects and genetic conditions. Many women who find out that the baby they are carrying has Down Syndrome will have an abortion. Statistics vary widely on how often this occurs, but the most reputable one I have found is 67%....2 out of every 3 babies diagnosed prenatally as having Down Syndrome are aborted. I am passionately pro-life and I am not going to apologize for that. I believe God's word is abundantly clear that life begins at conception, and that all life has value. So for me, these statistics are nauseating.

I'd like to also share this quote from Mark Bradford, president of the Jerome Lejeune Foundation USA: "Whatever the statistical realities may be, the number of those who choose abortion after a prenatal diagnosis  is far too high. It should be none. To paraphrase the recently deceased disabilities rights activist, Dr. Adrienne Asch, the only thing prenatal diagnosis can provide is a first impression of who a child will be. Making such a radical decision as to end the life of a child based upon a first impression is a most horrible and violent form of discrimination. It has no place in an American society that is committed to ending discrimination in any form and that has intensified that effort for persons with disabilities over the last 25 years since the signing of the Americans with Disabilities Act in July 1990."

The Down Syndrome parenting books that I got from the library spend a good deal of time talking about getting a diagnosis, whether that is prenatally or at birth, and coming to terms with that as a parent. It is not my intention to diminish the significance of this process for families, as they are facing something unexpected and life-altering. If birth parents feel they cannot meet the needs of their baby with Down Syndrome, the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network is available to help: http://www.ndsan.org/

Brenna needs a family, and we're going to be her family. I am no hero. I am just a Mama who fell in love with her baby, and her baby has Down Syndrome. She also has dark hair, and brown eyes, and a precious smile. I can't wait to meet her, and hold her, and love her for the rest of my life. I know it won't be easy, but the best things in life rarely are. 

A Little Girl From China

The last time I wrote a blog post was in March 2014. My, oh my, so much has happened since then. I'm going to start with our exciting announcement and then backtrack to tell the whole story.

We are adopting a little girl from China! She is a waiting child, which means we didn't wait to be referred or matched to her. I found her on the website Reese's Rainbow which fund raises and advocates for the adoption of children with Down Syndrome. Her name is Brenna and she completely captured my heart.

So how did we get here?! I left you in 2014 and that was a year of waiting... waiting for the referral of a child from Ethiopia. There was turmoil in the Ethiopian government at that time and referrals were suspended for a period of several months. Our wait time went from 6-9 months to 18 months and up, essentially an indefinite wait. This was frustrating for us but we continued to trust in the Lord and His plan for our family.

In early February 2015 we got a wonderful surprise- I was pregnant! This pregnancy was by far my hardest. My morning sickness was awful and I had other concerning symptoms as well. At 16 weeks after a trip to the ER we found out that I had gallstones. I was unable to manage the attacks by changing my diet. No matter what I ate, I was in severe pain. We found a great surgeon at UMD Medical Center and I was scheduled for surgery in May. Surgery went well and God protected Collin through it, but my recovery wasn't easy. I ended up severely anemic and required IV infusions of iron in my 8th and 9th months of pregnancy.  We were in total survival mode, just doing one day at a time. Pat was the rock that held our family together, taking on most of my responsibilities as well as his own.  In the midst of all of this it became obvious that we would need to put our adoption plans on hold. Our agency was very understanding and so our file was placed on hold and we planned to reevaluate several months after our baby was born.

Collin Thomas Hourigan was born October 19, 2015. He is a joy and a blessing and we are so thankful that God gave him to us when He did! His birth was wonderful and we bonded beautifully. As time went by and Collin passed certain milestones, we would reopen the conversation about adoption, but for a long time we didn't feel ready. In August of 2016, we even wrote a letter that we planned to give to our family and friends and those who had donated money to our adoption, explaining that we were ending our adoption process and the reasons why. But I never had peace about sending that letter. We had the okay from our agency to remain on hold, so we did.

It was at the beginning of this year, 2017, that God stirred our hearts again towards adoption. We were ready! We contacted our agencies and started the process to update our home study. It went so much more smoothly than it had the first time around. Everything was falling into place and we fully intended to pick up right where we left off. We were told that we'd have a referral within 12 months and so we expected that our Ethiopian daughter-to-be would be home by the end of 2018. We were excited!

Then in April we got news that the Ethiopian Ministry of Women's and Children's Affairs (MOWA) was suspending the processing of all adoption petitions and in May it was announced that all open petitions would be issued denials and no new petitions would be accepted. This news was shocking and I struggled to process it. Honestly, it felt like a loss. We had picked a name back in 2013- Tirzah Faith- and I used to picture her in my arms. I didn't know what her face would look like so I would think of wearing her in a ring sling and looking down at her black curly hair. I prayed for her and I had made space in my heart to love her. And just like that, I knew it would never happen.

We decided to go ahead and finish our home study because we had already paid for it and it was halfway completed. We toyed around with the idea of domestic adoption and researched a few other international programs, but nothing seemed to fit. We felt unsure and in limbo.

A few other things were going on in the lives of those around us that helped to lead us to where we are now. Our friends the Parlers brought their son Hudson home from China. They shared a lot on Facebook at every step of their process and it was neat and inspiring to watch their story. One evening, also on Facebook, I scrolled across a post from MOPS International about a family who had adopted children with Down Syndrome. It struck a chord with me and Pat and I found ourselves researching the adoption of a child with Down Syndrome. I shared this at a prayer meeting with two close friends, and one friend also shared that was something her and her husband were talking about.

Then on Tuesday, June 6th I was scrolling through photo listings of waiting children and found her...It was a lightning bolt to my heart. I've never felt anything like it. Her name is Brenna, and I just knew she was my daughter. I cried and prayed and loved her instantly. And from there, the rest is just a whirlwind of emails, applications, research and prayer. I prayed like I never had before. We encountered a significant financial obstacle immediately and I thought it wouldn't happen, and then God did a miracle. That's all I can say, but trust me, He heard me and He answered mightily!

So now just 3 weeks later we find ourselves waiting for a pre-approval letter from China, which our caseworker says we can expect in 1-3 weeks. And once we have that letter, she is ours, barring an extreme unforeseen circumstance. And it is possible that she could be home with us in just 8 or 9 months! Also once we have pre-approval, I've been told I'm allowed to share pictures on Facebook so definitely stay tuned for that :)

I have so much more to share about Brenna and hope to do that in future blog posts. I want to tell you about how I've always wanted to adopt from China and how the Lord is bringing everything full circle for me. I want to share about Down Syndrome and why Pat and I are intentionally choosing to embrace a child with that diagnosis. I want to tell you about all of the wonderful things Pat and I have learned during our adoptive parent training and through the ups and downs of the last 4 years. And if you have any other questions, I'd love to answer those too!

The Lord Will Provide

Friends,
I write to you today with news that I never expected to be able to share. Something that I thought impossible...something that I still cannot wrap my head around...something that only our glorious Lord could accomplish...

Our Adoption is Fully Funded. The Lord has Provided.

To those who have given to our adoption through their time, prayers and finances, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your reward is eternal. And if there is anyone who was planning to give to us or help us fundraise, please don't! :) Please give to another cause to support orphans or help another family with their adoption expenses. Our financial needs are met, though we would always gladly accept your prayers for the rest of this journey.

As for where we are in the process, our dossier is in Ethiopia. We are told it is being translated and registered. We were told this would take 2 weeks, though now it has been longer than that. This part of the waiting is hard, because we have no control over it. I find myself becoming easily angered and impatient. I need to remember that it is the Lord who holds all of this in His hands and trust His timing for everything.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21

Update...Finally!

Hi Friends. I have not used this blog in the capacity that I originally intended. Lots has happened with our adoption and I hope in the future to do a better job of updating as things happen. I'm going to do my best to summarize things from the past several months :)

Our homestudy was officially finalized on September 30th. It took MUCH longer than we were told that it would. Some of that was because of us, but a lot of it was because of the agency we selected. We applied to the homestudy agency at the end of March and had our first meeting with them in the beginning of April. I (Sarah) had a difficult time understanding the process and was hesitant to relay the depth and nature of the personal information they were requesting from me. I'll just say that if you have ever seen a therapist for any reason or had any level of anxiety or depression, whether clinically diagnosed or not, be prepared to share that if you are planning to adopt and be prepared to have to prove yourself fit to adopt. I could say a lot more here, but that's another topic for perhaps another day.

So, we were able to work through that, but it took about two weeks. Then we had a list of documents we had to gather before we could be assigned a social worker. This took us another 3-4 weeks. By mid-May we were told that we had been assigned a social worker and should hear from her within the next few days. A week went by and we hadn't heard anything. We contacted the agency and they assured us we should hear something soon. Another week went by and the social worker finally called to tell us that she was traveling for the month of June and wanted to start our interviews when she got back. WHAT?! We did not want to delay an entire month. We contacted the agency and asked to have another social worker, but alas, the other two were both on leave so were stuck with her. So we waited. The interviews were completed tin July. This part was actually much easier than I had expected. I had cleaned my house top to bottom and was so worried about what she would think of me, but she walked in, sat herself down on the couch and didn't get up for the entire 2 hours. She actually asked Pat to fill out and sign the safety checklist! Can you believe that? Honestly I wonder if she was a bit negligent in her duties- I mean, surely, she should have at least looked around a little bit or checked out where the baby would sleep? But anyways, all was well and we passed with flying colors.

We waited for the draft of our report another 3 weeks (thought it was only supposed to take 10 days). Once we got the draft we had to check it for errors, of which there were several. Then nothing happened for several weeks and finally by the end of August we were told that the reason our report was not finalized was because one of our references had neglected to return the social worker's phone calls. This was again very frustrating to us- why had the agency been sitting on this for weeks? All we had to do was contact the reference ourselves and explain to him the importance of returning this phone call. Long story, I know, but we do have an approved homestudy now, which means we CAN adopt :)

In October we completed and submitted an application to Show Hope, an organization founded by Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman to help adoptive families. Their grant program helps thousands of Christian families adopt every year with financial assistance and helps families access resources designed to encourage and support adoptive families. Our application deadline was October 31^st and we were told to not expect to hear anything for at least 90 days, so hopefully we will find out in February whether or not we were awarded a grant. The average size grant awarded is $4,000. We really have no idea what to expect in terms of whether or not we would be selected but we are hopeful and, as always, trusting the Lord.

The next step was to submit our I-600A application to the USCIS (United States Citizenship & Immigration Services...I think...). The first time we submitted this application we got a bright pink letter back saying that there were two pieces of missing information, one being my birth certificate and the second being a section of the homestudy. Wow, this was so discouraging. We had both double and triple checked these documents before mailing and we were so confused, how could this be missing? We went back to the homestudy agency, who then reviewed the file and they didn't understand it either, so they contacted the caseworker at USCIS. We heard back from them that oh, nevermind, everything is there and they don't need any additional information. So this was a relief, but also a concern. How was my birth certificate not in our file the first time it was reviewed but then it was there the second time? And again we had an unnecessary delay in our process (I am beginning to think this is just going to be our reality…). Our trust in this government agency’s competency is hugely diminished which is very discouraging because of how the Ethiopian process is changing, more on that later.

We then had to be fingerprinted at the USCIS agency in Baltimore. They send you an assigned date and time and ours was December 2^nd at 9 AM, the morning of MOPS L I was sad to miss MOPS but happy to be moving forward with the process. Our fingerprints came back clean, of course, and we now have a “Favorable Determination Concerning Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petition.” Hooray!

The next step is to put together our dossier. The dossier is a collection of documents that will be translated and sent to Ethiopia to be reviewed by their government agencies. Every document in our dossier has to be notarized, state certified and authenticated at the Ethiopian embassy and the Department of State. We have many of the documents already and are working on getting them together with the hopes of sending our dossier to Ethiopia in early February. Once our dossier is approved then we will officially be “on the list” so to speak, waiting for a referral!

When we send our dossier we also send a large check with it, and we did not have the funds to do that yet, which is why we had not worked harder to get everything done quicker. We have said from the beginning that we knew we could not afford this but we trust the Lord will provide, and provide he has! In October I did a Pampered Chef vendor event which nobody came to; there was not a single customer. It was a complete waste of my Saturday, or so I thought. I did meet the other vendors there and was able to talk with one woman who showed a particular interest in hearing our adoption story. This woman looked me up and called me before Christmas and told me that she wanted to donate to our adoption. I heard from our agency today that she sent them a check for $5,000. A complete stranger was so moved by God’s call on our family to rescue an orphan that she gave us five THOUSAND dollars. Lord, I hear you loud and clear! HE WILL PROVIDE! “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:19.

I have more to share, but this post is long enough already. Stay tuned for more updates soon J

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and joyful New Year’s celebration! Blessings to you and your families!